The Resistable Force Meets the Movable Object
April 24, 2019
by Eric Hill
Last week the most over-hyped event in a series of over-hyped events in the NFL offseason took place: the much-anticipated schedule release. Even though we knew who and where our teams will be playing next season as soon as the final whistle blew in 2018, we didn’t know when and that uncertainty gnawed at us until last Wednesday, when the league finally answered the burning question of ‘Will we get a week 4 bye again?’ It’s ridiculous that this mundane event is such a big deal and yet news-starved fans eat it up like I devour a pork rind after an hour of not eating pork rinds.
The high point of the schedule release is finding out which juicy matchups make it to the coveted Sunday and Monday night time slots and, to a slightly lesser extent, the nationally televised 4:20 pm Sunday game of the week. Plus, to a much lesser extent, I guess, the post-apocalyptic wasteland of Thursday Night Football. TNF, as the kids are calling it these days, usually features teams that some of us forgot were still in the league and it rotates between networks like they’re playing hot potato. (Is the Bills/Cardinals game on NBC this week? NFL Network? Nope. Damn, where is it? I guess I’ll just flip over to HGTV to watch Fixer Up—Oh! there it is!)
It’s in this barren hellscape that we find one of only two Redskins 2019 primetime games, on October 24 against Kirk Cousins and the Minnesota Vikings. The NFL hype machine certainly knows what it’s trying to do here, pitting the Redskins, who felt Cousins wasn’t good enough to deserve big bucks, against the Vikings, who now realize the Redskins were right.
As it stands in April, Minnesota is far a superior team to Washington. They are loaded with talent at the skill positions, boast a tough Mike Zimmer-coached defense, and feature a quarterback in Cousins who can fill up a stat sheet with the best of them. If this were a 1pm Sunday game, I would call it a Vikings blow out with confidence. However, since it’s a primetime game, it means that the primetime Redskins get to face the primetime Kirk Cousins.
Since 1999, the Redskins are 21-37 in primetime games, good for .362 winning percentage. This team embraces every opportunity to embarrass itself in front of a national audience with the same tender intensity that Joe Biden embraces any living thing within embracing distance.
Meanwhile, since 2013, Kirk Cousins record as a starter in primetime is 4-12, with 17 touchdown passes and 19 turnovers. Before last season, it was easy to write off Cousins’ struggles in primetime as being the result of playing for the Redskins. Kirk showed last year, however, that he is more than capable of imploding all by himself, going 0-3 against the Rams, Seahawks and Bears.
“But Eric,” you say “Cousins put up great numbers in primetime last season, with 6 touchdowns and a 104 quarterback rating!”
Yes, you’re correct. Cousins’ stats looked good last season in those three losses. However, a closer look at his play in those games tells the real story: a strip sack in the fourth quarter against the Rams killed a potential late game-tying drive, a 4th quarter pick-six slammed the door in a 30-20 loss to the Saints and—stop me if you’ve heard it—a 4th quarter pick-six sealed their fate in a 25-20 loss to the Bears. If there is one thing Cousins has mastered in his career, it’s putting up good enough numbers to make it look like it’s not his fault when you check the box score.
The Redskins and primetime make oil and water look like peanut butter and jelly, and primetime Kirk Cousins wilts like the salad that I packed for lunch on Monday as it still sits on my desk on Thursday.
This clash of ineptitude is why the Thursday night matchup at Minnesota on October 24 is so intriguing. Of course, when I say the matchup will be ‘intriguing,’ I don’t mean ‘good’ or even ‘entertaining,’ but rather ‘What the hell am I watching?” – like being at the zoo, unable to look away while the orangutan tries to hump a fence post.
Thursday, October 24 will see a battle of wills like none before, a true slap fight between kindergarteners in color-rush uniforms. Will Kirk throw four interceptions? Five? Will the Redskins catch them? Is it possible for a game to have negative points? Which melt down will be meltier? These two forces of nature will collide like noodles and pudding. If you can’t get excited for that, you’d better check your pulse.